I’m fine, it’s fine, everything’s fine
How are you? Probably one of the most common asked questions today. But when did it become more of a greeting rather than a genuine question into someone’s wellbeing?
And why do we say I’m fine if that isn’t always the case. It seems to be the go to generic reply when someone asks you how you are. Interesting isn’t it? It’s very rare that a person can honestly say hand on heart that they are 100% fine, absolutely nothing wrong, life is tickety boo, totally perfect. So why do we answer as if that is indeed the case?
Is it because we don’t want to burden the enquirer with our woes or be deemed ridiculously dramatic? Or is it because ‘how are you?’ is one of the most overused and misinterpreted questions in modern day conversation. It is rarely heartfelt and the person asking does not require a detailed breakdown of what’s wrong or even a small insight into how you are actually feeling. It is in fact so ingrained in our small talk that the expectation of your response being ‘I’m fine’ is almost 100% guaranteed.
Next time someone asks, think about your answer carefully. I’m willing to bet that if you reply, ‘not good actually’ their reaction will be very interesting. They may well look positively shocked, appalled and recoil in horror that you haven’t given the expected response. Then as it dawns on them that you have taken the question for its original meaning and are visibly processing it, they’ll begin to get quite anxious that they don’t really have the time, energy or headspace for what you are about to offload. It was only supposed to be a bit of chitchat en route to the coffee machine.
Mentally they had already checked out, half way home, thinking about what they might have for tea and now, their brain is working overtime to deliver a reason why they will have to cut your diatribe short so they don’t have to endure your explanation. Which makes you wonder why they even asked you in the first place. And now, as you haven’t followed etiquette in this matter, they will go out of their way to avoid ever asking you the question again so they don’t have to deal with the fallout.
So, even if we are exhausted, even if we are overwhelmed, even if we are so stressed we aren’t really sure who we are anymore, we will just smile sweetly, give the automatic response and carry on dealing with our worries and problems internally. It’s much easier, requires less energy and we’ve convinced ourselves that the last thing the other person wants to hear is how our life is falling apart. Furthermore, our desire to save face and appear as though we have life under control cancels out the need to share.
The problem is, if no one ever answers the question honestly, we have disconnect. Our feelings lose importance. Anxiety, stress, fatigue, depression all become normalized, and empathetic, caring conversations become extinct. People feel too much guilt to talk about what’s going on in their life and how they are coping and our mental wellbeing takes a huge blow. So too, society becomes less kind, less understanding, and a much harsher place to be.
If we never pause to consider how we are actually doing, we lose sight of our own needs. All those feelings become ‘fine’ and just part of life. Stopping to think about how you are feeling today, what you need right now and what level of self-care you’ve given yourself this week, is important. It’s human to not be fine. Our answer to the question ‘how are you?’ doesn’t have to be perfect or even positive. You are allowed to feel something other than ‘fine’ and acknowledge it. Your long term mental clarity will thank you for it.
Maybe you’re tired. Maybe you feel stretched and put upon. Maybe you feel hopeful or grateful but overwhelmed at the same time. However you’re feeling, allowing yourself to delve further into why you are feeling this way, giving yourself time to think things through and working out what kind of positive changes you could put in place, will significantly improve your wellbeing.
Final thoughts
Next time someone asks you how you are, take a moment to answer honestly. You don’t have to share your whole life story with them, but before just popping out the usual “I’m fine” ask yourself the question first. Verbally recognizing that things aren’t fine but you are working on it, to someone, is not only refreshingly honest but enormously cathartic and may even create a movement towards a kinder, more caring world. Crucially, the most important person to consider the answer to the question, “how are you?” is not the person who is asking, it’s you.
PS “When you say ‘yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself” Paulo Cohelo. Explore your feelings further contact Positive-Soul today.