Peace talks Pacify the Hormonal Conflict…

Joe Warner, health journalist and editor of Men’s Fitness wrote an article in The Times recently titled “What I wish men understood about the Menopause” Fantastic piece that was very enlightening but also crucial, in my opinion, to increase more understanding of the menopause across the sexes. He has also published a book together with health writer Rob Kemp called “Burning up, Frozen Out” which may well be worth a read for the man in your life.

If you ever find yourself saying, or perhaps shouting “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” on a regular basis to your other half, then read on, this may help. All too often there is a level of annoyance, frustration and down right exasperation (please add any other applicable adjective!) when it comes to the lack of understanding in houses across the nation. I think, as Joe points out in his article, the main problem is that men naturally want to provide a solution, when they see a problem they want to fix it, gender outlook is very much black and white in that regard.

Women, however, have many layers it’s not a “here’s the issue, that’s how to fix it” kind of scenario. Ultimately I think women want the men in their lives to listen, empathize and show some manderstanding, if you will. They don’t want a solution, heaven knows we don’t even know what we are dealing with ourselves, let alone how to go about fixing it, so there is absolutely no chance a man can just rock up and solve the puzzle. Just a little bit of thought is required.

But how can we expect any man to understand something that we don’t fully comprehend ourselves? There is some frame of reference of course, various articles written, mates who may have ill advised and misunderstood anecdotes but ultimately we all have our own menopause so no amount of shared information from anyone else will equip him to fully get what we are going through. So what is the solution here?

Communication is key, but sometimes it isn’t always that easy. All too often it gets too heated, voices rise and it achieves nothing. As Joe points out some men employ avoidance techniques, they retreat to the gym or work longer hours in order to avoid the ‘crazy lady’ at home. Women are left feeling unsupported and alone in the symptoms they find themselves drowning in. We forget that men are quite capable of loving and supporting us but they need to know what in essence is going on and how we are feeling to be on board.

They wake up one day and the woman they once knew seems to have changed dramatically and they don’t really know why or how to cope with how its unfolding. I myself have forwarded many an instagram post or article his way, that I think relevant and that may help, but I am then, of course, relying on him seeing it or indeed reading it. I did think p’haps writing an open letter explaining how I’m feeling and my understanding of why, may be a good idea, but I do think the old fashioned practice of conversation needs to be deployed.

Picking the right moment is key, no point in grabbing a couple of minutes in between hot flushes when emotions are heightened and everything is a bit frenzied. Any communication needs to be conducted in a calm gentle manner and at a time when everyone is relaxed and present in the moment.

I do think that most men will feel very enlightened and almost relieved that none of this is their fault and is only temporary. They don’t like feeling like the enemy but would much prefer the role of ally on this, dare I say it, journey. So, on that note here are a few things we can do.

·       Arrange a time to talk that works for you both. Almost like booking an appointment but not quite as formal. A Saturday or Sunday morning may be a good shout, but it needs to be an allotted time where you have both cleared a space in your diary and can give it your full attention.

·       Agree to each have time where you voice how you are feeling or have been feeling and the other has to listen instead of butting in. You both need the time and space to speak freely without judgement or interruption. This is so cathartic for all concerned because while you may think it is just you that feels alone and unheard, I’m willing to bet that he does too. It is good to make each other aware and you may both learn new things here.

·       Ask each other how you would like things to go moving forward. What you would like to happen and how you think that could be achieved. Amazingly, by each having the chance to talk, you can both voice your thoughts and feelings in a calm way, which helps the other see what you are going through and aids discussion on a plan for resolution.

·       Agree any methods you can employ together which will help everyone feel supported. Being able to voice things without fear of a backlash is huge.

·       If you both find this helpful, it may be worth pencilling in a time each month to update each other on what is working and what may need tweaking but more importantly how everyone is feeling.

Simple regular communication is so helpful and avoids resentment and frustration from building up which isn’t beneficial to anyone. It also provides a space where worries or niggles can be aired and listened to which is only going to improve everyone’s wellbeing in the long run. Education across the sexes is important in order for a more gentle equilibrium to be restored. There is no doubt that if men had more of an inkling as to what the perimenopause and menopause entail, around what age it hits, symptoms involved and what kind of help and support would be useful, the more peaceful the transition would be for all.

If women and men feel loved and supported during this phase, it would help to diminish the feeling of being alone and in the dark. If men knew what to expect and the affect the symptoms have on our lives they would feel less vilified and more allied throughout. And if everyone feels like they are in this together, a much more positive approach will develop and may help the negative connotations give way to a more optimistic view of what is to come. Effective communication is key to maintaining stronger relationships, greater understanding and achieving harmony to facilitate a smoother transition.

Men are not the enemy here and this is not a hormonal war that needs to be won, but more a transition into a new, calmer more confident stage of life. We don’t need to pick our battles, but instead join forces to create a more balanced emotional and physical wellbeing for all.

Final thoughts

The perimenopause/menopause is a learning process for everyone. As every woman experiences a different transition it is very definitely trial and error to discover how best to navigate it in our own personal way. Instead of accepting men don’t understand what we are going through, far better to let them in on what we are experiencing and how it makes us feel. They may not be able to physically comprehend this trip we are on but they may have a few ideas as to how they can support us through it and things we can try to ease the ride. After all, united we stand stronger, divided we struggle on alone.

PS “Alone we are strong, together we are stronger” Anonymous. Find some support today Contact Positive-Soul