Bradford on Avon, New Years Day 2026. Sat in my car at 3 am in my pyjamas, waiting for an uber to arrive.
In it, was my youngest daughter and her friends arriving back from Bath after bringing in the New Year. Feeling a bit spacy after having attempted but failing, to go to bed and get some sleep before my alarm went off at 2.30am, I was dozily pondering my predicament.
The reason for this situation was simple.
I said yes.
When every part of me wanted to say no.
Anyone else? It’s amazing how many of us dutifully cast aside how we feel and get swept up in wanting to keep the peace, be liked. Although in my case it was a misguided attack of parental guilt.
A 2022 consumer research study discovered that on average we say yes 13 times a day but only say no 6 times, 6 times! That’s less than half the amount of times we say yes. We are over doubly likely to say yes to something that either we would rather not do or that we don’t agree with.
It takes great courage to stand your ground, own your refusal. But in order to stay true to yourself and protect your peace, that has to be the goal.
The same is true about opinion and belief. Never underestimate the power of the popular movement. Society and the influence of the masses holds great sway and not many like to stand out from the crowd or be the odd one out. Sticking to your guns is an underrated skill.
Why is the popular opinion the one that is heard? The person had conviction. Conviction in what they were saying and confidence that other people would feel the same way. They didn’t shout the loudest they just refused to be silenced.
Interestingly the very thing that we are scared to do, be the lone voice, is the one thing that people will most respect you for. That despite going against the crowd, you spoke up. You raised your head above the parapet and gave your belief a voice. You refused to keep quiet.
People sit up and take notice. They listen. They think about the alternative view. They consider how they feel about it and whether they agree. If you feel strongly about it then make it clear, even in the less significant aspects of life not just the big dramas.
So next time ask yourself why you said yes. Was it to be agreeable, to keep the peace? Avoid an awkward silence?
Quite frankly, when you’re multitasking your way through midlife with brain fog that would challenge even the sharpest academic, you are far too exhausted for the energy and confrontation required to say no. But still, when we bend to fit someone else’s ideal, we end up pleasing no one. The person gets a watered down version of ourselves and we are left tired and resentful. Nobody benefits here.
Most important of all. Our own voice gets quieter.
“It’s not worth the fuss, I don’t want to rock the boat” said once, is an easy enough dismissal. Repeated over years can actually wipe out how you felt about it in the first place.
The people we admire most are never the most agreeable. They say yes when they mean yes and no when they mean no. Simplistically obvious but rarely followed. If you always say yes not only will it become a given, people will assume you will always be on board. But respect for your opinions drop off.
Certitude breeds respect being a sheep does not!
Not to mention that in voicing your thoughts and beliefs you offer a different slant, a different take on things some may never have considered but realize they stand by too.
Always saying yes suppresses your own needs, accumulates micro stressors and keeps your body on alert, which is no good for your nervous system.
Saying no doesn’t have to be damning. It can be gentle but firm. “Let me think about that” or “That doesn’t work for me, but thank you” need neither an apology nor a long explanation. A gentle no is still a no but hits less abruptly and supports your initial decision.
Final thoughts
Maybe the real answer to people pleasing is pleasing yourself. Only entertaining what you’re ok with and dismissing what doesn’t, will give you confidence and feel less stressful in the long run. The need to people please is a habit that is ingrained but with careful training you can teach yourself to be more self-serving.
Protecting your boundaries and commanding a respect that you know your own mind, is one of life’s important lessons. Sometimes saying no to what you don’t want, allows you to say yes to the things in life that matter most.
PS “There comes a time when you have to stop crossing the ocean for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you” Lizzie Moult. Say yes to yourself Contact Positive-Soul today.