Dear Valentine: It’s Not You It’s The Menopause
Valentines, Galentines, whatever your preference, it’s that time of year for endless love hearts in the shops, astronomical flower prices, illusive restaurant bookings and valentines set menus as standard. It’s highly charged and highly pressured, largely driven by social media and in built conditioning and comparison. Feelings of inadequacy and self-flagellation are at an all time high. Chuck in the Menopause and you could emotionally combust!
For many of us, Valentines day often comes with a heightened expectation of romance and intimacy. As a menopausal woman dealing with hot flushes, sleep deprivation and low libido, not to mention mood swings and body confidence wobbles, this can be daunting to say the least. But what if you switched things up? What if you let the feelings of inadequacy go and took a different approach, one more aligned with your body, your needs and how intimacy looks like for you right now. It’s a good opportunity to think about what you would like from your relationships, both mentally and physically. It doesn’t have to mean the end of passion and desire, it’s a transition into a more meaningful love.
Understanding hormonal shifts and the changes within your body.
When estrogen levels drop, elasticity of vaginal tissues and a reduction in lubrication and blood flow causes vaginal dryness and atrophy which can make sex uncomfortable. This isn’t just a physical symptom but also mental, the instinct to avoid sex and the discomfort that now comes with that is huge. A fear of sex then builds. This, coupled with a drop in testosterone that reduces libido and therefore the desire to have sex, doesn’t leave much room for intimacy. But intimacy doesn’t just have to mean sex. Feeling emotionally safe, desired and close to someone, being held without expectation to have sex, is very important too. It is often the thought that any type of closeness will initiate sex, that causes women to become distant. HRT, localized HRT and various more natural vaginal creams can help with the physical but the mental needs addressing too and this is where communication comes in.
Communication
Menopause can challenge many intimate aspects of relationships but being honest about how you are feeling, what feels good and what doesn’t can be a game changer. It is easy to think that because you are experiencing these feelings it is obvious to the other person in your relationship. Communicating and creating a level of understanding can really help in discovering how you can reclaim pleasure in new ways. Often it isn’t the pleasure that is the problem but more the method in which it is achieved. Having honest discussions about this can deepen a relationship, through increased trust and understanding. Talking about how the menopause is affecting you both physically and mentally will help create a more supportive bond. If everyone feels informed and respected, any resentment or perceived disinterest will likely dissolve and you can work together to find a solution.
Tune in to your needs
Use valentines day as a day of reflection. Tune in to what your body needs and ask yourself how would you feel loved now? What would be important to you now in your relationship in terms of pleasure and intimacy. Think about what feeds your desire and what makes you feel safe and supported. Let go of old expectations and create new ways to feel close that don’t feel so pressured and loaded.
Reclaim Valentines Day
Whether you are in a relationship or flying solo, Valentines day can amplify the menopausal feelings of invisibility or loss of identity. Instead of dwelling on how things used to be in your youth, remember that this transition is one of profound self-discovery and a sense of trust within yourself. It is a time to develop a deeper intuition of what you need and a stronger connection to changes in your body. Prioritize your wellness and be kinder to yourself. You are by far your harshest critic but celebrating your worth and engaging in things that provide you with comfort instead of focusing on expectation will make you feel more fulfilled.
Final thoughts
Menopause is not devoid of love and intimacy, far from it. It signifies a deeper, more honest relationship with yourself. Menopause gives you the confidence to know what you want and the understanding of how to achieve it. Listening to your body is all you need to discover how to love yourself more and communicate what will make you happy. This valentines day, celebrate what you have become and the wisdom you have gained to truly know and love yourself fully.
PS. “Love yourself…a little extra right now. You’re balancing so much, handling things no one sees, and doing your best. Give yourself grace.” unknown. To discover more please contact Positive-Soul.